No More Practicing Pretend

What We Practice at Work Becomes Who We Are at Home

Follow-Up Article by Becky Jo Tuell-Simpson;
Prologue & Endlogue by Raff Viton

We say people come first…culture, family, friends, relationships.
But in practice, all day long at work, we rehearse filtered connection.
We nod, smile, say the right thing and forget how to do the real thing.

We’ve learned to settle for false harmony and pretend relationships.
We’ve normalized a quiet, almost sad kind of pride in being “professional” — because at least it’s not toxic.
But professional & performative doesn’t mean real.

Becky Jo is naming the cost of practicing pretend.
It doesn’t just affect teamwork, engagement scores, and job satisfaction…
It erodes our capacity for trust.
It shrinks us.
It masks us.
It hides us.
It hollows us.
It slows our growth.

Practicing what Becky Jo suggests/models instead, does the opposite.
It deepens us.
It energizes us.
It expands what’s possible between us.
And it accelerates everything we truly want: meaningful achievement, sustainable growth, and exceptional relationships.

I’m learning from the way she is leading.

No More Practicing Pretend

What We Practice at Work Becomes Who We Are at Home
By Becky Jo Tuell-Simpson

In reading “Not Toxic Doesn’t Mean Safe. Professional Doesn’t Mean Real,” I started reflecting on relationships in so many areas of my life. One thing kept surfacing:

Practicing inauthentic relationships messes with us.

I’ve noticed a direct correlation between how much authenticity and vulnerability I bring to a relationship — and how long that relationship lasts or how deep it gets. Looking back, there are seasons where I struggled to find congruency. And not surprisingly, I don’t have many lasting relationships from those seasons.

In those times, I was practicing how to play it safe. Avoiding conflict. Masking parts of myself. Choosing comfort over truth. Maybe for good reasons and maybe out of default habit. And in doing that, I was actively practicing how to have less-than-stellar relationships long-term.

The Hidden Exhaustion

It’s exhausting to constantly audit yourself (so much wasted energy).

To wonder, Can I be honest here?
To weigh, Will this make it weird? Will this be held against me?
To think, How much of me (the real me) is safe to bring into this space?

That inner calculating takes a toll. But I’ve learned to treat it like a signal, not a stop sign. Usually, that signal is asking for me to practice being more real in the relationship.

The Practice of Less

I have totally settled for less-than-real relationships. When I avoid a critical conversation… when I let something slide… when I don’t say the hard thing I know needs to be said… I’m reinforcing a standard that is slightly less than real. And all of those little moments — all of those practices — add up.

There have been times when I’ve realized: this relationship isn’t going to work unless we both show up differently. And the longer I ignored that truth, the more I was training myself to tolerate something I didn’t believe in. That’s a tough realization. It can be sad. But I’ve learned that the sooner I acknowledge it, the better — for both of us.

Sometimes, we simply don’t know how to show up authentically or vulnerably in the relationship. But that doesn’t mean we can’t learn. It’s our job to figure it out. Because the risk of not addressing it is a less effective, less meaningful connection — with each other and with the work we’re trying to do together.

The Real Game Is the Long Game

I feel so lucky that when I met my partner, I was deeply aligned with my truest self. I didn’t filter. I didn’t play it safe. I was just… me. And over 13+ years, we’ve built something really special.

That didn’t happen by chance. It’s because we’ve practiced real relationship. Over and over. Every hard conversation. Every repair. Every time we chose alignment over avoidance.

The article says, “The quality of our relationships determines the perceived quality of our jobs, leadership, performance, culture, and company.”

I believe that fully. I experience it daily. And I think my deep satisfaction in my family life is a direct result of this practice — this fiercely human, often really hard, but incredibly rewarding work. If we weren’t consistently, even constantly, working on those skills, we would be in a very different place.

What We Practice at Work Becomes Who We Are at Home

It’s really hard to assess our relationship norms through this lens. But it’s so worth it. I see how hard it is to show up one way at work and another way at home. Let’s not pretend that we can silo these patterns. How we show up in professional settings is not disconnected from how we relate in life. The patterns bleed through. And that’s why work is THE place to practice the kind of relationships I want to build everywhere.

This is not a quick-fix situation. It’s a mastery approach. A long-game.

If we’re practicing guardedness, avoidance, or performative alignment all day — what’s left when we get home?

The good news is that the inverse is true, too. When we choose to be just a little more real at work — when we make the slightly awkward, slightly braver move — we start building the muscle for what matters everywhere else. For me, knowing and living my values and purpose has made a huge difference. It’s helped me show up more authentically and stay in the work, even when it’s uncomfortable.

So, What Are You Practicing?

All the practice reps add up. Every withheld truth. Every moment of courage. Every micro-choice to stay aligned — or not. Those are the moments that define the quality of our relationships. And those relationships are the container for everything we’re trying to do together. Culture. Growth. Learning. Leadership. Impact. It all rests on that foundation.

I’m asking myself more often:
What am I practicing? And is it creating the relationships I actually want?

Yes — it can feel easier (even normal) to pretend.
But real is what matters…real is what lasts.

Endlogue by Raff Vitón

We’ve been taught to trade the real for the safe — authenticity for approval.
To choose defense and short-term protection over long-term connection.
To believe that pretending is safer — even more successful.
That’s not a weakness or a character flaw.
It’s a default — an unconscious obedience to outdated norms.
But it comes at a cost.

And the cost is too high — personally, culturally, generationally.
The good news? Growth starts with awareness and real practice.
That’s what Becky Jo is modeling. Default does not have to be destiny.
Start with her. Start with you. Practice what matters most.
More you. More often.

“There is no such thing as life apart from relationship, which is to say, no life apart from the sharing of ourselves with another.” — Mike Mason*

*quote inspired by Vid Deva, Macrina — the Advanced Leadership Program cohort & the Bad Dragons